It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks