He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Sponch
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I really had high hopes for this year though
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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