Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.