When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.