WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
lol
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
when someone rings the doorbell
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.