6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.