oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.