The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
#FunnyLife Insects
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal