meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend