I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it