Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
You Might Also Like
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.