I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The cashier just checked me out.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.