A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I told my vodka about you.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I bet
Duolingo getting serious.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*