[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’m confused about plants
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.