It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.