It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75