When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
why does this building look like a guilty dog