All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?