@totallyinatiff

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

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@PajamaBen_

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

@Stexcy

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

@garrettn

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

@roggyie

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

@david8hughes

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”