Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Seems legit
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.