Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You Might Also Like
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
yea so i messed up lol
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.