Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]