me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!