me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.