@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

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@TheWoodenslurpy

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

@sofarrsogud

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

@KimmyMonte

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

@House_Feminist

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

@OneFunnyMummy

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.