Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Good morning
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes