reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP