my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds