wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I think I’m having a stroke
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
relationship goals
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.