If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
🖤✌🏽
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls