Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

January has been Januweary