Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.