I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
You Might Also Like
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT