If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Human are so complicated
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.