People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Yup
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur