[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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Only Americans understand
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie