COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*