Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You Might Also Like
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Its true…
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Facebook memories be like
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
B
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”