My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”