Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!