Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Sell your car
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok