Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Best mom ever 😂
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
some Old Testament wisdom
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.