I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.