I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
HELP 😭
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it