Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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😂😂😂😂😂😂
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72