“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.