Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.