Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.