My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.