arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
that wasn’t the question
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Every. Damn. Time.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Well, that should do it
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Stop it! 😂
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple