There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
thank god the sign was there
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.