Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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How can I say no to this ?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
pictures of spider-man
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.