@TurboJellyBean

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

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@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@AllanForsyth

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

@karanbirtinna

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@SuperRandomish

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.