Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys


hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right


Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:



Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.


Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together


Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?


ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?