@TurboJellyBean

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

You Might Also Like

@E_lok44

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

@Browtweaten

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@fro_vo

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

@o__0Dev

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@AimeeHelene1

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

@reallifemommy3

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@MatCro

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?