@TurboJellyBean
@E_lok44 “No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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@E_lok44 
@Browtweaten hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
@sarcasticmommy4 I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
@amishschool Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
@fro_vo Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
@o__0Dev I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
@AimeeHelene1 My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
@reallifemommy3 Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
@TeaBeaPea Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
@MatCro ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?