Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,